When entering into a D/s relationship, I find that many submissives are not prepared for how to maximize the benefit of having a Master/Mistress. Sure, they enjoy feeling submissive, pleasing their Master/Mistress and being in a loving and caring relationship. And they also enjoy the fact that Master/Mistress makes them feel safe, secure, and tends to their needs for personal and lifestyle growth.
But submissives are not mannequins, waiting to be placed in the next position by some store window attendant they call Master/Mistress. They are living, breathing human beings that deserve to feel as though they have some degree of influence upon their relationships and in their own lives.
Finding a compatible Dominant can be similar to buying a new car. A submissive might have specific needs for a compact, sports car, full size or even an SUV. Each will have different needs and wants that might include extras such as air conditioning, bucket seats, power windows and doors, and so on. A submissive will seek out the model that best suits his/her needs, just as he/she will seek out the Dominant that best meets those needs in a relationship and as a person.
Having found that Dominant, one might guess that the hard work is over. Yet, unlike the car that was purchased, a Dominant doesn't come with an owner's manual. And while he/she may expect that a good choice in a car and a Dominant will result in his/her fulfillment and happiness, that doesn't mean that he/she will intuitively know how to fully utilize all the features that come with either the Dominant or the car. An owner's manual can be essential to getting the most out of both.
Since this is a D/s community and not an auto dealership, and since cars already come with owner's manuals and Dominants don't, I'll focus my attention on helping submissives get the maximum performance out of their Dominants. This will be the first in an ongoing series of articles entitled "Your Dominant's Owner's Manual".
Part 1 - "Submission, Growth & Decision Making"
Many things in our D/s lifestyle may seem contradictory. And yet, upon further exploration they make perfect sense. I'd like to focus upon one such contradictory statement that has such deep meaning to submissives.
"Within your submission you will find freedom."
There are so many levels in which this statement holds true. But let's focus upon one that is relevant to the topic at hand, how to maximize your relationship with your Dominant. There are many objectives in most D/s relationships that seem to conflict with one another, two of which I'd like to discuss today. The need and desire for the submissive to submit and obey, and the need and desire for the Dominant to guide a submissive to personal and lifestyle growth. But I would suggest that upon deeper scrutiny, these seemingly contradictory needs and objectives are in fact related and co-existent.
As part of their daily lives, submissives share with their Dominants those issues and problems that they encounter. It may be in any facet or role in their lives as submissive, husband/wife, parent, employer/employee, friend, sibling, son/daughter, etc. The purpose of sharing it is so that your Dominant understands what is going on in your life, and is best able to meet your needs as they arise. To understand what issues may affect your emotional status and even your level of submission.
The expectation may be that Master/Mistress will solve the problem for you, or make a critical decision on your behalf. And truth be known, we Dominants love to step in and be problem solvers. But wait just a moment. Does repetitively solving all of your problems enhance your personal or lifestyle growth? Does it teach you to be a capable and independent decision maker in a way that you know is consistent with what your Dominant would expect of you? Certainly not. It restricts and retards your growth as a person, reduces the level of confidence in your ability to make good decisions, and teaches you to rely upon your Dominant as a crutch, which is a far cry from relying upon him/her for your pleasure.
And for those of you that might now be screaming… "Hey, Master/Mistress is SUPPOSED to make all the decisions" I'd like to point out that they don't. Nor can they. A Dominant picks and chooses which decisions to make, but it's impossible and unrealistic to say that they make ALL the decisions that arise in the course of a normal day. The doorbell rings, should you answer it? What should you do when the phone rings? Should you use the restroom? Which one, upstairs or downstairs? Is the water too hot for your shower? Chicken is on sale at the supermarket, should you buy some? Unless your Dominant is prepared to follow you around 24 hours a day, you're going to make hundreds if not thousands of decisions on your own.
Especially when apart, the most a Dominant can hope for is to have taught a submissive how to make decisions that They would approve of. The actual number of decisions a Dominant will make for you is dependent upon your unique relationship and what you both find fulfilling and personally pleasing within that relationship.
I find that most submissives are good decision makers. What they lack is the self-confidence in their own decisions. And so as a Dominant, our goal in fulfilling our obligations to a submissive's personal growth is to help them develop the confidence in their own decision-making. I find that in discussing your problems with Master/Mistress, as Dominants we can ask questions. Helping your submissive find out how they truly feel about a problem, and to help them consider all sides of a possible course of action and the consequences of that action. Not to simply administering a solution.
A submissive will gain confidence in their decision-making abilities by simply knowing that Master/Mistress would not let them fail. This is a vitally important concept. A submissive needs to trust that in discussing the situation with their Dominant, and keeping Them informed along the way, they have given "oversight" responsibility to Master/Mistress. Master/Mistress need not make the decision for you. Knowing that they would never allow you to make a bad decision will bring you all the confidence you need in your own decision making.
At some point, very important or difficult decisions may become too burdensome for a submissive. A submissive may worry too much about the problem, the decision they have made, and the consequences of that decision. Self-doubt can be, and is, a vicious and self-destructive force. And it can be very unhealthy.
In fulfilling that "oversight" responsibility, a Dominant may see that a submissive has reached a point in which growth has ceased, and self-destruction has begun. That can only be seen if you as a submissive continue to share your thoughts and feelings. But just as often, a submissive may ask to have that burden lifted. This is the part of your "Dominant's Owner's Manual" that can help you maximize what you get out of your Dominant.
When that burden becomes too great, and it begins to creep into your mind in an unhealthy way; when you can't help but focus upon it, when your sleep is affected, when you no longer have peace of mind, you can unburden yourself. Ask Master/Mistress to make the decision for you. In doing so, you are no longer responsible for the decision or its consequences. And while your Dominant may make the very same decision that you have made, in relinquishing your responsibility, you will find peace of mind.
Initially, a submissive may find themselves reaching that self-destructive point quickly. But each time, under the watchful eye of their Dominant, they gain a little more confidence, become a little more skilled, and can go a little bit further. And such is growth. A little at a time.
All this may seem self-explanatory. And yet many submissives don't want to feel that they are a burden to their Dominants. They try to solve problems on their own. Many submissives purposely don't share their problems, concerns and feelings for fear of rejection or being judged as incompetent. But the fact is that in taking on that "oversight" responsibility, We Dominants feel needed, useful and fulfilled. While the very nature of "responsibility" may seem distasteful to you as a submissive, you must remember that it is a fundamental part of who we are as Dominants. Don't prevent us from being Master/Mistress. Not just for your benefit, but for ours as well.
Here are a few helpful hints regarding problems and concerns.
No problem or concern affects just you. If it bothers you, it also affects your Dominant.
Nothing is too big, or too small. If it bothers you, that's all that counts.
Always share your problems, concerns and feelings. Don't deny yourself the peace of mind that comes from knowing that Master/Mistress will never let you fail.
Don't always expect solutions. Expect to grow in your decision-making abilities under the watchful eye of your Dominant.
When the problem or the consequences of your decision becomes overwhelming, you can find refuge in your Dominant. Unburden yourself of the responsibility if need be.
I hope these useful thoughts will help deepen your relationships, and more effectively meet your needs in a healthy D/s relationship.
Running in the Right Direction. Part 2
This is the second part in an ongoing series pertaining to getting the most out of your D/s relationship and learning to maximize the benefit of having a Master/Mistress.
All of us have things in our lives that give us reason to pause, reason for concern, or weigh heavily on our minds. That's just part of being human. And just like our tastes in ice cream, what bothers us as individuals varies widely from person to person. As does the manner in which we cope with those concerns.
This article will focus upon the manner in which we cope. Particularly, the manner in which submissives cope with problems or concerns and how they can best utilize their Master/Mistress in that coping process. Underutilizing the great source of reassurance and comfort found in your Dominant is the cause for so much unnecessary mental anguish. Learning how to use Master/Mistress to your fullest extent can be the catalyst to a deeper relationship, greater happiness, and peace of mind.
As I mentioned earlier, different people respond and cope differently to problems. Never is that distinction clearer than between Dominant and submissive. Humans are endowed with an evolutionary survival instinct. It's called the "fight or flight" syndrome. When confronted with danger, people either stand and fight it, or flee from it. Dominants for the most part stand and fight. They slay the beasts that torment from within. Submissives on the other hand tend to flee. They run from the danger posed by confronting their inner turmoil. They bury it in hopes that they will never have to confront it.
As with most every part of human nature, this is a broad generalization. We can all think of exceptions to the rule. But by in large it's an accurate generalization. And the first step to solving any problem is to recognize and admit that it exists.
So what exactly IS the problem with fleeing from problems, doubts, or even feelings? In a word, infection. Just like a foreign organism that invades your body, those problems, doubts and feelings find safe haven within you. They grow, multiply, fester, contaminate and spread. What began as a simple little infection that could be treated with antibiotics can become systemic, with serious implications such as surgery, amputation or death. And the same is true with those problems, doubts, fears and feelings. Left unchecked, they grow all out of their true proportion. Having begun as small problems requiring the simple reassurance of your Dominant, they can potentially grow to the point of overwhelming and destroying your relationship.
Just like a doctor treating an infection, the first step to effective treatment is recognition that a problem exists. Most of us don't have the luxury of living with a medical professional that might give us regular examinations. Even your family doctor relies upon you for the first step, recognizing that something is wrong. And by in large, that's what we Dominants do as well. Granted, there are times when we can tell by virtue of a submissive's behavior that all is not well. True, we question our submissives regularly to assess their state of mind. But we're not mind readers. That's why we ask for your journals. That's why we ask you questions on a regular basis about your state of mind. That's why we probe. That's why we give you regular opportunities to share things with us. For without the recognition that there is a problem early on, We will have to deal with a much more serious problem later.
So the first step in your treatment is to share. Whatever it is that's bothering you. In your journal, in a discussion, in whatever manner you can. Much of this lifestyle revolves around individual responsibility, just as it does with your personal health care. It's your responsibility as a submissive to share these things with your Dominant, to utilize the tools and methods that your Dominant has in place for identifying these protential problems early on, when treatment is most effective. Just get the ball rolling. Find any way possible to indicate that a problem exists, and then let your Dominant guide you from there.
The next step is diagnosis. you may know that all is not well. you may know that something is bothering you. But you may not know what it is. That's ok, it's not necessary to wait until you've diagnosed yourself. You certainly wouldn't do that prior to visiting a doctor, and you shouldn't do that prior to sharing with your Dominant. Let your Dominant ask the questions that assist in diagnosis. Let them do the examination, just as a doctor would. You don't have to have all the answers, you'll find them together with the assistance of your Dominant. That's what you rely upon them for. They have the need to fill that role in your life in order for them to feel useful and needed. You would be denying them the opportunity to truly feel like your Master/Mistress by withholding from them.
Finally there is treatment. And like a real medical problem, the treatment varies depending upon what the diagnosis is, and how far the problem has progressed. If you've let too much time pass before sharing a problem, and the diagnosis is made too late, you risk the very existence of your relationship. If the problem is one within the relationship, the disease may progress so far that the relationship can not be saved. And what a shame that would be. Similar to losing an arm because of an infection on a finger that went unrecognized and untreated for too long.
So what does this seemingly medical analogy have to do with running and direction, as the title implies? Early on I identified the "fight or flight" syndrome, and a submissive's tendency to flee. It can be an ovewhelming response for self preservation. It can be an integral part of who you are. And in fact, I see so many submissives respond in just this way. To flee the problem. Ignore it's very existence. Avoid discussing it, even with their Dominants. They often isolate themselves from friends and family. Some will even disappear for lengths of time, while they try to wrestle with the problem all by themselves. These are all flight responses. Running.
And to be honest, running is an acceptable response. The question is, in which direction do you run? For most submissives their initial reaction is to run AWAY from their Dominant. That is also running away from the problem. But the proper direction would be to run TOWARDS your Dominant. And that can be running away from the problem as well. Because in running TO your Dominant, you find the comfort, reassurance and peace of mind that they give to you. In running TO your Dominant you can unburden yourself of the problem. In running TO your Dominant you get an early diagnosis, treatment and cure. In running TO your Dominant you are happier, and made whole again.
I find it interesting that submissives know this in their minds. Yet the desire to run away is so powerful. We often talk about the strength of submission, and this is one example of the strength required to be a healthy submissive. The strength to do what you know is right. And let's face it, the right thing to do is not always the easy thing to do. Yet, you are made strong in your submission. you are made happy and whole in your submission. And no one, including your Dominant, can drag you in the right direction. They can only guide and advise. The bottom line is your own strength, and your own decision made freely.
Ask yourself if you feel stronger with or without your Dominant? Ask yourself if you are better able to cope with life's challenges with or without Master/Mistress? I should hope that the answer is clear, and that you can clearly see that in denying yourself of your Dominant, you are denying yourself of a great deal of your strength. Each day apart making it more and more difficult to find your way back.
A few tips to keep in mind for a healthy relationship:
Find effective ways to share with your Dominant. In whatever manner possible. In your journal, a discussion, anything that works for you.
Never wait when something is bothering you. The earlier it's identified, the easier it is to deal with.
Never attempt to be your own doctor. There's an old saying that "a doctor that attempts to cure himself has a fool for a patient."
No concern is too big or too small to involve your Dominant. Even small matters left unaddressed can become serious problems.
Don't ignore problems. They don't go away on their own.
Don't deny yourself the comfort and reassurance of your Dominant.
Don't deny your Dominant to fulfill the role they most treasure, that of being your Master/Mistress.
And most importantly, be careful of which way you run. Don't run away from your Dominant. Instead, run into the loving embrace of his/her care.
I hope these tips may help make your experience in our lifestyle more pleasurable and fulfilling. They can help deepen your relationship with your One, and allow you to enjoy the full benefit of having One that loves and cares for you.
Master As Your Mirror.Part 3
Most of us have mirrors in our homes for a simple reason. They afford us a complete and accurate reflection of ourselves so that we may see all of ourselves, as others see us. It's a different point of view, a different perspective, than what we possess without the mirror. And we can see things clearly in a way that is impossible without such a device.
Without a mirror we'd never really know if our hair was combed right. Or if that blemish is visible. Or if our butts look big in those jeans. We need the mirror, and the information it provides us, in order to make accurate assessments of ourselves and to make decisions in our lives with the most complete information available. But mirrors don't tell the whole story. They only show the surface. They don't penetrate beneath the skin, to show what's inside of us.
As is common with many of my articles, I have to make at least one broad, sweeping generalization. And here's the one for this article. Most submissives are a bit insecure about themselves. Submissives need plenty of reassurance from their Dominants, about so many aspects of their lives. Even in the course of punishment or discipline for the purpose of behavior modification, I find reassurance to be the most essential and extensive part of the process. Because submissives are generally too critical of themselves.
As a general rule of thumb, submissives see every mistake as condemnation of themselves. They see mistakes as threats to the continued health and survival of their relationships. They question themselves, their competence, their decision making abilities, their contributions to the relationship, their ability to make their Dominant happy, etc. Even in matters that are not D/s or not pertaining to their relationship with their Dominant, submissives are often insecure. They need the reassurance, the guidance and the comfort of being under the ever watchful eye of their Dominant.
In short, submissives are often highly critical of themselves. And often they find that their perceptions of themselves are not consistent with their Dominant's perceptions of them. In most cases, their Dominant sees them in a much more positive way than they see themselves. Often they dismiss that point of view as being "biased" because their Dominant sees them through loving eyes.
It's funny how nearly everyone, including submissives, accept what they see in the mirror as completely accurate (funhouse mirrors aside). And yet submissives routinely question the view of themselves portrayed through the eyes of their Dominant, the only person who's view should really matter.
If your Dominant enjoys seeing you in particular clothing, you don't doubt the truth of that. If your Dominant enjoys seeing you in a particular "position", you don't doubt its accuracy. If your Dominant enjoys seeing you engaged in a particular activity, you don't doubt its veracity. So why is it that submissives routinely doubt the authenticity of their Dominant's view of them as people, and as submissives?
In a word, acceptance. In being highly critical of one's self, it's hard to accept that your Dominant views you in such a positive way. And yet you accept your Dominant's honesty. You accept your Dominant's guidance. You accept your Dominant's truthfulness. You accept that your Dominant knows and understands you better than anyone else. In fact, I often hear that submissives feel their Dominants know them better than they know themselves.
So if you accept all that, you have to accept that your Dominant sees you for who and what you truly are. You have to accept that you can see yourself accurately through your Dominant's eyes. You have to accept that your Dominant is a clear and precise reflection that you can rely upon, just as you would a mirror.
Acceptance is hard, I don't want to dismiss it as being an easy thing to acquire. But it's certainly no harder than trust. It's no more difficult to attain than honesty. It's not more elusive than submission. And your Dominant has already earned that from you. Why not accept your Dominant as your mirror into yourself?
In summary, you may find a few of these hints helpful in accepting and utilizing your Dominant as a mirror:
Try to understand your Dominant whenever they hold themselves up as a mirror for you. Ask questions if you don't understand how they see you, and why.
Remember that you don't need to please everyone, just your Dominant. The only thing that really counts is how your Dominant sees you.
Like a mirror, use your Dominant when you need to see yourself through their eyes. Reassure yourself by seeing your reflection as it truly is.
Accept your Dominant as your mirror. They've earned your trust, and you can trust that the reflection you see is an accurate one.
Your Role in Master's Growth Part 4
Of course, just like safety, We are all ultimately responsible for our own personal and lifestyle growth. Both Dominant and submissive. And even though through her submission, a submissive may bestow that responsibility for her growth upon her Master, that is still her choice to do so. And ultimately, it is the submissive that determines whether that responsibility is being met to her satisfaction.
There's no question that we grow as individuals by virtue of our personal efforts. After all, uncollared submissives and single Dominants grow as well. We read and discuss lifestyle issues and incorporate what we learn into our lives. We try to improve upon those personal limitations in our lives to become more perfectly the person we wish to be. That's growth. And yet, there is a special nature to the growth of both Dominant and submissive when in a D/s relationship.
It comes as no surprise to anyone in this lifestyle that Master is responsible for enhancing a submissive's personal and lifestyle growth. That's one of the obligations and responsibilities we Dominants have to our submissives, and something they rely upon us for. But I think many submissives don't know how their Masters achieve personal and lifestyle growth, nor the role that they as submissives play in it.
I'm sure most submissives would be surprised to learn that they are the most important factor in their Master's growth, and perhaps a little fearful of the responsibility that may entail. But in understanding their role more completely, I think they can replace that fear of responsibility with pride in their submission, and their contribution to the relationship. Please allow me to explain.
As a submissive entrusts herself into the care of her Master, he fulfills the role of Teacher and Guide. He imparts upon her his knowledge of the lifestyle, and his knowledge of how to structure and manage her as a person, for their mutual benefit. He manages their relationship, and helps to create the framework for mutual gratification. He becomes responsible for the daily maintenance of her physical, mental and emotional well being. And in doing so he brings her to the level of his ability to Master her.
Now what happens? Does growth end with the arrival of the submissive at the level of competence of her Master? Well, I suppose in some relationships it does. I think that's a sad thing, if and when it happens. But I think that in most healthy relationships, it simply marks a turning point in the nature of how the growth is achieved.
To that point, growth for the submissive is a one way street, so to speak. Just as submission is a power exchange flowing from submissive to Dominant, growth begins as a knowledge and managerial exchange, flowing from Dominant to submissive. But once that level of competence is reached, such one way growth isn't possible any longer. The dynamics have to change, in order for continued growth of both submissive and Dominant, or the well is left dry. There's no more to give.
If you picture growth to this point as one following the other (submissive following Dominant), the next stage of growth becomes a game of leapfrog. With the growth of one leading to the growth of the other, and vice versa. Over and over again, the growth of the submissive necessitates the growth of the Dominant, which in turn leads to further growth of the submissive, and so on. And in relationships that continue to promote the personal and lifestyle growth of both Dominant and submissive, this dynamic will continue for the length of the relationship.
Dominants grow in a relationship in large part due to the challenges posed by their submissives. As a submissive grows, Master is challenged to grow along with her, or he risks losing her respect. He risks not living up to his responsibility as Master to care for her continued lifestyle and personal growth, and she may well take that responsibility away from him as a result.
As submissives understand more about the lifestyle, and about themselves, through the growth managed by their Dominants, they ask more questions. they desire to branch out in their lives and accomplish more. They feel more comfortable and confident. They find happiness and pride in their accomplishments and desire more. That's the nature of growth. And in that way, they challenge their Dominants to an ever greater ability to help them achieve it.
Just as a student in school expects an ever greater level of competence in their teachers as they progress from grade to grade, commesurate with their own ever increasing level of competence and understanding of the subject matter, Submissives expect an ever greater level of competence from their Dominants as their level of competence and understanding of themselves and the D/s lifestyle increases. And while a student gets a new teacher each year in order to find that increased level of competence, a submissive rarely wants to continually find a new Dominant in such an ongoing fashion. The continued growth of that Dominant to keep up with a submissive's ever increasing level of competence and understanding would be the equivalent of retaining the same teacher from kindergarten through college and beyond.
Does a submissive knowingly cause their Dominant to achieve such growth? I suppose some do. Especially those that do not feel they are achieving the personal and lifestyle growth they want for themselves. Some submissives may even begin with a greater knowledge and understanding of the lifestyle, and enjoy bringing their Dominant up to the level of their own ability. To be sure, there's nothing wrong with that. But once that level is achieved, the expectation is that the leapfrog dynamics I described earlier will become the norm.
But in general I think that submissives remain unaware of their role in their Master's growth. And that's a shame. Because in further understanding that role, they are better able to play an active part in the leapfrog process of mutual growth. In understanding their role, they are better able to have a personal impact on their own growth. And in understanding their role, they are able take pride in the value of their continued growth and the value it has within the relationship.
There is greater freedom associated with understanding this dynamic as well. In understanding their role in mutual growth, a submissive can feel more liberated in asking questions. More of an active participant in discussions. And have a greater appreciation for the importance of assignments and tasks associated with promoting her own growth and understanding. After all, these things are for her Master's benefit as well. I like to reinforce that concept with my submissive, by sharing with her the fact that she brings out the best of the Master in me. She makes me a better person, and a more competent Master.
In closing, as a submissive keep a few things in mind within your own relationships:
You are ultimately responsible for your personal and lifestyle growth. If you're not satisfied with how it's being managed, it's your right and duty to yourself to say so.
Everything you do for your personal and lifestyle growth has meaning to your Master, and to his growth as well. You are a full, active participant in the mutual growth of the relationship.
Your active participation through reading, discussions, questions, etc. helps your Master to grow as well. Denying yourself information and understanding also denies your Master the opportunity to grow with you.
Share what you find and learn with your Master. No one knows it all, and he will appreciate your efforts and take pride in your accomplishments.
Enjoy growing, together. That will help you to grow together. (A little play on words, but read it as many times as is necessary to understand it)
Take pride in your growth, and in the great impact that has on your Master's growth as well
Rover
Copyright 2000
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